The and I did not fit in with

The exposure
of my personal life and experience for the consumption of the public readers is
not what I am used to; I would describe myself to be very reserved in what I
choose to touch upon. The main reason as to why I am very hesitant in putting
out my experiences is because my actions, even if it’s something I have no
control over, has always come under scrutiny no matter who it is.


I clearly
recall myself in primary school, walking towards my two friends, as I got
closer I noticed both their arms were interlocked as they walked away
sniggering whilst looking back. My initial reaction was to walk behind them as
I thought they may not have seen me at first. I then stopped in my tracks when
one of my girls said “Stop following us!” I was shocked as my heart sank there
and then. Before anyone could see me standing and walking around alone, I
remember sprinting to the library, where no one was, so I could hide away from
the inquisitive eyes of people. I went home that day thinking about what I may
have said in the past that made my friends turn away from me, or even how I can
change myself so that I can be a better person to be friends with.  This is my earliest memory of nit-picking at
my actions and trying to change who I was to appeal to others. This was
followed on by the next in school, a close classmate had told me that the
reason my two friends abandoned me was because I was not like them and I did
not fit in with their image because I am Bangladeshi; I’m not from Pakistan
like my friends. This was very concerning to me since from a young age I have
always been taught about my culture and not to shy away from it, I asked my
classmate to come along with me and tell the teacher. However, she declined to
tag along because she did not want the main ‘leader’ of the friendship group
knowing what she had reported back to me. 

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Other girls’ voices within the
friendship group were consequently hushed and at times even silenced depending
on their position within the group, sometimes under the instruction of the
‘popular girl leader’. (R. George, 2007). I agree with this as I have
experienced the power discourse within the playground between girls, however
another thought that comes to mind is that the process of ‘othering’ could not
have just come about into these kids’ minds. We believe that a child’s first
base in terms of interactions is within the family context and our social
identities are constructed through construction with others- as humans we have
the ability to reflect and change in accordance to these social exchanges
(Herbert-Mead, 1934). Mead’s works have shown that we may change our image
based on our interactions in regards to these interactions- also known as the
looking glass self. 


I'm Shane!

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