You mind. A father is supposed to be

  You would think that trying to paint a picture in your mind of someone you seldom know would be hard but it’s not. Do you want to know why? It’s because they are a blank canvas that does not need to be drawn. Regardless of whether you are a male or female you have two choices when it comes to growing up without a father. The first option is to be a component of the statistic and the second option is to not be a component of it. I chose not to be a component of that label or statistic. A straightforward word like father could bring up so many images in your mind. A father is supposed to be his daughter’s first love and his son’s first hero. Most people think of a father as a strong, supportive, loving and caring male but my picture was painted totally different. ?  Every since I was a little girl I always wondered and questioned as to why my father was not in my life like the rest of my friend’s dad were. I would see my friend’s dad take them on dates, pamper them, and show them the love that they deserved. I always wondered is there something wrong that I’m doing to not get treated like that. Even though I was a little girl I observed so much and had so much common sense to be a child. A lot of people fail to realize that kids pick up and observe things that you would think they have no understanding about, but they do. ?   All of my life it has always been just me and my two brothers and our mother. Our mother played both roles by herself because our father was never around, she will forever be my black queen because she held us down. She is the only parent we know and have. There were plenty of nights I cried on her shoulder because he was never there and did not want to be. I guess the boys did not care because they did not show it as much. There were plenty of days I packed my bags waiting for him at the door, but he never came. ?   Growing up without a father has taken a toll on my mind and my heart. My father left a hole in my heart that no one could fill. If I could count each tear that I cried because he did not want to be in my life I would have my own river. For a little girl to question everything that she does thinking that she is the problem but really he was the problem. There was a point in time in my life where I absolutely hated my dad which was during the time he got married and had four other kids. He neglected his responsibilities, even more, We rarely got a call from him while he was playing family to someone else. As I got older I hardly thought about him but when I did it as if the pain never left. Not having my father in my life still does take a toll on me but not as much as I use to let it.    My dad had other kids that I knew about, but only like one or two of them knew about us. I felt as if my dad was trying to keep us separated because every time I asked him to arrange a dinner or a gathering for them to meet me he would kind of brush it off so I had to take the matter into my own hands and reach out to them through social media. We finally ended up meeting and it was bittersweet because they missed out on so much in my life thanks to my dad. The number one thing they all agreed on is that they wish they would have known about us because they always wanted a little sister but now we are closer than ever.     ?I prayed for peace and closure, and God gave me exactly that. As I got older I bloomed into a beautiful young lady thanks to my black queen. I graduated high school with honors and I’m currently a hard working college student and mother of three. I want to thank my wonderful mother for playing both roles and for molding me into the beautiful woman that I am today. I’m working hard now so I can repay her back in ways she wouldn’t even be able to imagine.